If you want to know what the live-action One Piece will look like, go see Knights of the Zodiac

Whenever my friends and I speculate about the elusive Netflix adaptation of One Piece, we always say to each other “It’s unfilmable!” The pirate epic is overflowing with elements that are just too cartoonish and unreal to translate into live action; rubber-man Luffy is just the first entry on a list a mile long.1

It’s unimaginable— and thus tantalizing— to think of what the live-action One Piece will look like. So if you’re wondering, I think you might want to look at the new Knights of the Zodiac (Saint Seiya) movie, which this past weekend Sony sent out to US theaters to die.

The live-action Knights of the Zodiac is drastically truncated from the original work, but it’s still awkwardly paced and overstuffed. Its respect and love for the source material are apparent, but it mutes the color palette, it tones down the cosmic action, and does a lot else that will generally piss off long-time fans. Even so, you can’t say this movie doesn’t try: in fact, it’s probably an instant box-office bomb because it wants to do Saint Seiya right, and that goal doesn’t connect with a Hollywood popcorn audience at all.

Talking to people in the theater after my showing, the Saint Seiya fan was disappointed and a little sad, the anime fans “didn’t hate it”, and four of the ten people in the theater walked out well before the movie was over. One had slept through it. 2

In case you don’t know Saint Seiya, it’s a classic 80s Shonen Jump fight manga/anime about the passionate battling exploits of a bunch of armored pretty boys called the Saints. It’s a thing of pure emotion and don’t-worry-about-the-logic, all fighting spirit, mythic and cosmic imagery, and brotherly love. Saint Seiya rules, and America absolutely does not want Saint Seiya: every single attempt at an English release— including a 2000s TV run during Dragon Ball Z mania— has been a total flop.3

So we’re here at the logical extreme of the Saint Seiya curse: a full-on mid-budget ($60 million!!) Sony-produced live-action movie version of Saint Seiya bombed around the world, including in Asia and South America where the series is as famous and beloved as Dragon Ball is here. A friend of mine even had his showing cancelled!

Like the rest of its genre, Saint Seiya is a long series with no hope of fitting into a single film, which is why the live-action adaptation zooms in tight on protagonist Seiya. (Only one other “knight” appears in the entire movie!) This movie is an original origin story for Seiya and Sienna (Saori/Athena), the reincarnated goddess the Saints are sworn to protect with their lives.

Played by Mackenyu, son of Sonny Chiba, Seiya has gone from a very straightforward and earnest persona to a wise-cracking, but still headstrong and passionate, teen. He has a nice, flirty rapport with Madison Iseman’s Sienna, whose character is a polar opposite from the original’s regal, commanding Saori. Seiya’s transition from rebellious and insecure to committed and heroic— mostly achieved by working in his backstory with his sister— surprised me with how well-done it was… even if it didn’t quite vibe with the original work.

A lot of this movie is well-done! Sean Bean is convincing as Sienna’s doting dad even as he deals out reams of exposition, the hand-to-hand action scenes have clearly been handled by genre experts (Mark Dacascos steals the movie as “we can do whatever we want with this bodyguard character, right?”), and when the armor finally comes out, Toei’s CG animators deliver an excellent fight sequence with real impact and weight.

But the key word here is “finally”. In the true spirit of a Shonen Jump comic— or of one of Toei’s lengthy TV adaptations— Knights of the Zodiac takes its time, to the point where it often feels clumsy. A large early chunk of the movie consists of Sean Bean’s character simply explaining basic series lore to an unbelieving Seiya.

Stuff like Cosmo, the fighting spirit that fuels the fighters, the armor that will come to them when they prove themselves as worthy warriors, the reincarnation of Athena inside of Sienna… not only is it wildly fantastical, it’s also a lot to dump on an audience all at once. It is here where we most feel the constraints of trying to shove something so big— both thematically and in literal size— as Saint Seiya into the confines of a live-action film. This half-hour of the movie definitely got at least one of the walk-outs in my theater.

And it’s not just the lore: the movie spends another big chunk of its running time on Seiya’s training under Marin the Eagle. I would definitely argue that hard training is one of the big draws of shonen battle manga in general and one of the things that sells a sense of reality and progression to the reader.

But it’s not very Hollywood action to follow Seiya through the whole process of learning to burn his Cosmo and break that damn rock. It’s not very Hollywood action to have Seiya get his ass kicked over and over again and get back up, even when that is indeed his appeal and entirely within the spirit of the work. When Seiya finally awakened his Cosmo energy and put on the first form of his armor, the man in my crowd who had been snoring for the previous hour of the film suddenly woke up, stood, and left the theater.

If you’re just here to see a powerful hero kick ass, Knights of the Zodiac— quite unlike either the original manga or anime— leaves you waiting for a long while.

The movie also holds back most of the original story and characters for potential future sequels: the only other Saint to appear is the Phoenix Nero (Ikki), and the big villain to be disposed of is early-series scrub Cassios, who here is turned into a cyborg to give him a second’s chance against the awakened Seiya (it doesn’t work).4

Rather than sticking to Saint Seiya’s actual first arc, a tournament that introduces the heroes one by one, the movie comes up with some new stuff about Athena’s resurrection potentially threatening an apocalyptic event. Sienna struggles, she worries, she gets put in some kind of Athena-killing machine, it doesn’t work, her hair grows out and turns purple. Some bits you can’t mess with.

It’s easier to forgive Knights of the Zodiac if you already know the original series. You know that X character is really Y character; you know about the other Saint who’s on screen the entire movie but only revealed at the very end. It’s clear they want to make that bigger, better movie down the line: get all the boys together and do the Sanctuary arc.5

But with the dismal box office performance of this film, it’s safe to say that sequel is probably never happening. Too bad; I kinda liked this one, honestly. It’s not a one-to-one adaptation, it’s definitely messy, but I thought it had its heart in the right place. That much was apparent.

And I didn’t make that One Piece comparison at the top for no reason. I truly believe that Netflix will ultimately turn out something just like this; passionate and reverent, but unable to fill the straw sandals, held back by the limitations of reality. It’s unfilmable, after all.